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La Beau et la Bete

By Geraldine Cheong
16th September 1999

Once upon a time, there lived a very nasty prince in a very faraway land. This very nasty prince was just a very rude and obnoxious little brat who wanted to look hip and cool. That's all. Anyway, one day an old woman visited the prince's castle and all hell broke loose.

Vincent: What? Why me? Why do I have to play the role of the nasty prince?!!! Rude obnoxious little brat? I highly doubt it. I hardly speak.

Rurouni: That's why you're rude.

Vincent: ......

Rurouni: Anyway, you fit the bill. Tall, dark and handsome. Wears black clothes with a red cape. Plays with guns. We can save on the costume. Plus you have long hair, I love long hair!!!

Vincent: ......

Aerith: And why do I have to play the old woman? I'm young and pretty.

Rurouni: This is a challenge for you. Try to diversify your roles instead of always playing the good heroine. Besides, you'll be the prettiest female in the fic.

Aerith: [looks happy] Really?

Rurouni: Yup, you're the only female.

Aerith: [sweatdrops]

Rurouni: Anyway, back to the story.

Aerith as old woman: Would you be so kind as to buy a flower from me, kind sir?

Vincent: ......

Aerith: Must be hard of hearing... I'll repeat myself. WOULD YOU BE SO KIND AS TO BUY A FLOWER FROM ME, KIND SIR?

Vincent: ...... [Takes out earplugs.] Did you say something?

Aerith: I said, "Wouldyoubesokindastobuyaflowerfromme,kindsir?"

Vincent: No.

Aerith: What?!

Vincent: Sorry, I have no change. And I have no use for flowers.

Aerith: WHAT?! You'll regret it, young man!

Vincent: [exasperated] Look here. You woke me up from my 27 years of hibernation, foiled my attempt to break Sleeping Beauty's 100 years hibernation record, made me crawl out of my lovely warm and cozy coffin, spoke so fast I had a headache trying to decipher what you were saying just to ask if I would buy flowers from you?

Aerith: Do you have a problem with that?

Vincent: ......

Aerith tranforms into a lovely sorceress.

Aerith: Ah... that's more like it. Now which one should I use... Prism staff? Aurora rod? Princess Guard? I know, I'll use my ultimate weapon, Parasol!

Vincent: ......

Aerith: [to Vincent] You! Call yourself a prince? Rude fellow! You won't even speak to an old woman politely. Won't even buy flowers! And I thought all princes were supposed to be hopeless romantics. Sullen PrinceVincent Valentine, prepare to face my wrath!

Vincent: ......

Aerith: Rude till the end, eh? Well, take tha-

Vincent: Don't move. [points Death Penalty at Aerith]

Aerith: Hey! It didn't happen like that during the rehearsals!!!

Vincent: I'm sick of being boinked on the head by a lousy staff. It's too demeaning.

Aerith: It's not a lousy staff! It's my ultimate weapon.

Vincent: Well, this [points to Death Penalty] is MY ultimate weapon. We shall see if your staff is faster than my gun.

Rurouni: Eto... Vincent, please follow the rehearsed script...

Vincent: ...... Very well, however, I demand full medical compensation.....

Rurouni: Ok, anything.

Aerith boinks Vincent on the head and he falls into a deep deep sleep that will last a hundred years... Oops... wrong fairytale...
Aerith boinks Vincent on the head and he changes into a frog... No... that's not right either...
Aerith boinks Vincent on the head and he changes into an ugly beast!

Aerith: Something's not right here.

Rurouni: What?

Aerith: You said 'ugly beast'.

Rurouni: Yah?

Aerith: But he still looks just as handsome!

Rurouni: Sorry, I can't stand having ugly people in my fics.

Vincent: Argh!!! What happened to my arm? An artificial metallic arm? How am I going to face the world?! I'm going to hide my face in my coffin and never come out.

Aerith: Mwahahahahahahahaha!!! [Hmm... what kind of laughter is that?] Serves you right for being rude to me and not buying any flowers from me! Now unless you find someone you truly love and who loves you in return, you shall remain in this imperfect form forever! Mwahahahahahahahaha!!! Just to let you know, you'll turn into the Chaos beast whenever you get angry too! Isn't this fun? [cackles]

Vincent: Does Lucrecia count?

Aerith: Sorry pal, you lost her to Hojo... I can't believe you lost to such a creep but anyway, happy seeking. I have to find more customers... ciao!

And so the story goes...

Now in this little village not so very far away, there lived a mercenary scientist and and his son. The mercenary scientist and his son love each other very much. Whenever the mercenary leaves town for business transactions, the son gets extremely agitated. See excerpt below.

Hojo: I'll be going to a distant town for some business transactions. You stay here and be good, you hear?

Sephiroth: Go get lost and leave me alone! I can't understand why a loser like Hojo gets to be my father.

Rurouni: I favour long haired guys. Besides, the son has a meaty role to play in the story so there. Anymore complaints and I'll confiscate your Masamune.

Hojo: Hahah! Then I'll be able to give you a good whupping you won't forget.

Sephiroth: Shut up and get lost, loser!

Hojo: You'll regret it! I'll make you eat your words! You worthless freeloader! Why did I ever create you?

People tend to act very strangely when they're in love or worried, right? Ok, according to the script, there is another young man in town who is very much enamoured with the mercenary's son.

Cloud: He loves me... he loves me not... he loves me... he loves me not... he LOVES ME!!! Yeah! I knew it!

Tifa: I knew it too. He loves you dead.

Cloud: Stop talking nonsense. Sephiroth's my hero! Someday, I'm going to be just like him!

Tifa: [Sighs]

Aerith: Hey! I thought I was the only female?!

Rurouni: I lied. Live with it.

Tifa: Look Cloud! That old geezer, Hojo's going off on another business trip.

Cloud: Coolness! I'll go and visit Sephiroth right away! [speeds off]

Tifa: Hey! Wait for me!!!

At the house...

Sephiroth: What do you want? I've said it before and I'll say it again... I reject your proposal! People who are weaker than I am will not be able to satisfy me. Stop wasting your time, Cloud.

Cloud: Please! I'll cook and clean for you!

Sephiroth: No.

Cloud: I'll be eternally grateful! I'll even do your dirty laundry!

Sephiroth: You never give up, do you?

Cloud: No. I want to be just like you!

Sephiroth: Well, then the first thing you have to do is change your hairstyle and your tacky clothes. Wait, before you do all that, get me dinner.

Cloud: Right away!

Tifa: Cloud, you don't have money... you can't afford to get anything!

Meanwhile in the castle...

Hojo: Hmm... I appear to be lost. But this is a really nice castle, with lots of nice food waiting for me.

Giant: Fi fie fo fum... I smell the blood of a mercenary scientist...

Hojo: Wrong castle....

Exit castle and enter another castle.

Hojo: Hmm... I appear to be lost again... and this time the castle's really spooky... but it looks kinda familiar... Isn't this the Gold Saucer's haunted hotel or something.

Rurouni: Yeah... we're on a tight budget so you'll have to make do with this setting.

Hojo: I smell some food... no wait, I can see the food but there's nobody eating it. Might as well not let it go to waste. [starts eating food]

Vincent: Hojo! Hey! Good to see you, man!

Hojo: Yo! Vincy! Thought you were hibernating to beat Sleeping Beauty's record? And my goodness what happened to your arm?!

Vincent: Some silly old lady woke me up and turned me into this freak.

Rurouni: Get in character folks!

Vincent: Hojo! How dare you eat my dinner?!!! Bad enough you took Lucrecia from me.

Hojo: Tough luck pal. You really suck at courting girls.

Vincent: I shall not forgive you for this transgression... [Turns into Chaos beast]

Hojo: Ahhh!!!! A beast! A horrible monstrous beast! What do I do? Somebody save me!

Chaos: Answer one question.

Hojo: S-sh-shhoot.

Chaos: Do you love me?

Hojo: What?!

Chaos: Come on! Just say 'I do' and the curse will be broken!

Aerith: No cheating.

Chaos: ...... [turns back into Vincent]

Vincent: Tell you what, when you return home, send your first-born over.

Hojo: Sure, no problem. I can't wait to get rid of that useless bum!

Vincent: Good... maybe she'll fall in love me. Hopefully she looks like Lucrecia...

Hojo: [aside] She? Heheheh...

Hojo returns to the village.

Hojo: I'm home!

Sephiroth: Rats! Took you long enough.

Hojo: I lost my way.

Sephiroth: Couldn't you have lost your way for a few more days?

Cloud: I'll leave now... hate to intrude upon this lovely father-son dynamic.

Hojo: Get lost, punk and don't you dare seduce or harrass my son again. Sephy, my dear boy, I have the most wonderful news...

Sephiroth: Oh really? This had better be good, spill it.

Hojo: I met an old friend of mine and he wants to take you in to live with him.

Sephiroth: Any benefits for me?

Hojo: You don't have to work. You'll be living in a palace and you'll have lots of nice clothes to wear. Also, I won't be around to nag at you.

Sephiroth: Oh well, ok whatever.

Hojo: Here's the address...

Sephiroth makes his way to the castle with his trusty Masamune.

Vincent is looking out of the window of his room.

Vincent: Why can't I use the magic mirror instead? It's drafty.

Rurouni: I'm afraid all the magic mirrors have been used up in the other productions, like Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs, and Through the Looking Glass.

Vincent: ......

Vincent looks out again.

Vincent: Hmm... I see a visage of a fair maiden walking hither. Methinks, I'll go and welcome her.

Sephiroth walks up to the drawbridge of the castle and hacks the door down with his Masamune.

Sephiroth: Not a bad location. Quiet and peaceful. I could get used to this.

Vincent: That'll be $56,348.

Sephiroth: Beg your pardon?

Vincent: The repairs for the castle door.

Sephiroth: You're kidding me. That's just a lousy piece of styrofoam board!

Vincent: If you insist. By the way, who are you?

Sephiroth: I'm Sephiroth, son of Hojo. He told me to come here.

Vincent: Wait a minute! Hojo's first-born is a male?!

Sephiroth: Only-born.

Vincent: Tell me, who's your mother?

Sephiroth: Jenova.

Vincent: That alien-machine-thingie? Not Lucrecia?

Sephiroth: Dunno, maybe so. Haven't seen my mother since I was created. I'm cold out here, butler, I'm here to see your master.

Vincent: I am the master. Come on in.

Sephiroth: Don't you have a butler?

Vincent: I suppose I'm the butler too. The production team couldn't afford a butler.

Rurouni: Hey! We can afford it, only nobody passed the audition! We had a Red XIII, a Cait Sith, a Barrett [gosh, he'll be better off auditioning as a bouncer] and a Cid.

Vincent: I think Cid'll do fine.

Rurouni: Sorry, we folks are anti-cigar people.
Sephiroth: Shoot! Forget about the butler and show me to my room. I'm tired and I want to go to bed.

Vincent: Before, I show you your room... Tell me, do you love me?

Sephiroth: What?!

Vincent: Just answer the question.  A simple yes or no answer will do.

Sephiroth: What's that got to do with me and my room?

Vincent: ......

Sephiroth: Never mind, I'll just pick any room I fancy.

Sephiroth starts checking out all the rooms and finally decides on one.

Sephiroth: I like this room.

Vincent: It's my room...

Sephiroth: Well, it's mine now. Go move your coffin somewhere else.

Vincent: ......

And so the story goes on... Sephiroth and Vincent lived happily in the castle together. All day long, they sparred, played chess, exchanged tips on how to better their fighting tactics, sang, dance... DANCE?! Yup... danced, feasted, told each other fairytales and bedtime stories and generally had lots of fun in each other's presence.

Vincent: Read me that story again...

Sephiroth: But I just read it to you last night!

Vincent: Yah well, I'm suffering from insomnia so if you'd read that story to me again in that half-dead voice of yours, I might be able to fall asleep. Like last night... After all you owe me, you stepped on my foot countless times today.

Sephiroth: I told you I was no dancer.

Vincent: Well, since you're living in style, I figured you should learn how to party in style too.

Sephiroth: Ballroom dancing? Party in style?

Vincent: ......

Meanwhile, back in the little town...

Cloud: Argh! I haven't seen the great Sephiroth for such a long long time! What could have happened to him? I'll go and talk to his father. [goes to Hojo's house]

Hojo: Heheheh... with that no good son of mine out of the way, I can finally concentrate on my experiments in peace.

Cloud: Excuse me?

Hojo: [highly annoyed] What is it? Can't you see I'm busy?

Cloud: I'm sorry but I was wondering if you knew where Sephiroth has been these few past days.

Hojo: I sent him off to live with the beast. He's probably Chaos-chow by now.

Cloud: What did you just say? I'll go and rescue him right away!

Hojo: Don't waste your time. You won't even make it pass the front gate anyway.

Cloud: Hmmph! Just you wait and see.

Hojo: Ohohohohohohoooooo!!!!!!!

Cloud makes his way to the castle to rescue his hero, Sephiroth.

 Sephiroth: Hey! Why did you stop combing my hair?

Vincent: Someone is approaching.

Sephiroth: Who cares?! It's probably some wrinkled old lady trying to sell flowers.

Vincent: Thanks for reminding me.

Cloud: [bangs the door open] Now I've found you! You evil vampire! Vampire Vincent Valentine! Hand over Sephiroth now or prepare to suffer the consequences.

Vincent: ......

Sephiroth: What is it now? What do you want, Cloud?

Cloud: Don't worry. I'm here to save you!

Sephiroth: Save it.

Vincent: Should I jump into my coffin and hide?

Cloud: You'd better. Or I'll open the windows and let the sunlight  in, disintegrating you.

Vincent: Window's already open.

Sephiroth: You aren't likely to get any sunlight now, Cloudy, moonlight maybe...

Cloud: I have some garlic in my hands!

Vincent: I have more in my fridge.

Cloud: I have a holy cross!

Vincent: I have one too.  See, it's hanging around my neck.

Cloud: Geez! What kind of demon are you?

Vincent: A cursed beast.

Cloud: Some of this holy water ought to do the trick. [splashes water at Vincent]

Sephiroth: ARGH!!!!!! You wet my clothes!

Cloud: Oops ! Sorry!

Vincent: Boy's aiming needs some improvement.

Sephiroth: I'm going off to change.

Cloud: Sephy! Wait for me! I'm here to rescue you from this place of darkness! Before that I must defeat this thing of dakness.

Sephiroth: [annoyed] This so-called thing of darkness happens to be my moneybag.

Cloud: He's a monster!

Sephiroth: You haven't seen him when he's really a monster. Wait till you see his Chaos form, he even has wings! Looks so cute flapping them about.

Cloud: You're delirious. You've been bewitched by this beast. But fear not, I'll save you!

Vincent: ......

Sephiroth: Cut it out, Cloud.

Vincent: Say you love me.

Sephiroth: I love you.

Vincent: Yes! The spell's broken!

Sephiroth: Not.

Aerith: [pops out of nowhere] I'm afraid you still have to remain in that form, Vincent.

Vincent: What? Why? Sephiroth said he loved me.

Aerith: He said 'not'.

Vincent: But you should know that deep down inside he likes me. Otherwise, he wouldn't have agreed to sleep with me in my coffin every night.

Cloud: [wails] Sephiroth!

Sephiroth: Well, Vincent doesn't have any other bed and I'll be damned if I have to sleep on the floor. Vincent's castle is seriously in need of some spring-cleaning. I'm not fond of sharing my bed with a dozen spiders.

Aerith: Besides both of you are males.

Vincent: You didn't specify that the curse-breaker had to be a female.

Aerith: [sweatdrop] ...... Er... but Sephiroth doesn't love you that way. And I don't think you love him that way too...

Vincent: You didn't specify what type of love too.

Aerith: [more sweatdrops] ......

Vincent: Sephiroth is like a son to me. He might have have been. I mean, he's Lucrecia's...

Aerith: I can't believe you're still mooning over a dead person!

Sephiroth: Just lay off Vincy. You lose flower lady, admit it!

Cloud: Wah! Aerith! You make one lousy sorceress!

Aerith: Aw... just shut up, Cloud.

The End.