Once upon a long time in the country of Konan, there lived a very very very very very very beautiful emperor. Yes. The word in use here is BEAUTIFUL. His name was Shishihotohori.
Shishihotohori: WAH!!! I burnt myself! I fell asleep while sitting in front of the fire and and... WAHHH!!!!! I don't want to live anymore! My bishonen status is gone! BOOHOO!!!!
Servant: Your Highness? If I may say a few words...
Servant: You just have a little 'sunburn', it really isn't necessary to use up so many rolls of bandages...
Shishihotohori: [glares] You dare call that a 'little sunburn'? My entire nose is raw, it's red and my skin is peeling off! At this rate, my entire face will peel off, I must protect it from the sun or the fire for that matter!
Shishihotohori: Call for Megumitsukake!
Megumitsukake: You called, sire?
Shishihotohori: That's quite obvious isn't it?! Do what you can with your healing power, heal me! Or else I can't show off my beautiful complexion, my deep eyes, my sharp nose, my sexy little mouth (?!) and my shiny smooth long hair! BANDAGES!!! NIGHTMARE!!!
Megumitsukake and servants: *sweatdrop*....
Megumitsukake: I'll see what I can do... hmmm.
Megumitsukake: Well since the skin cells are already dead, and as you
know I can't bring back the dead there's effectively nothing I can do,
except for prescribing some ointment.
Tracy: Huh?! it works that way?!
Megumitsukake: Yeah it works that way if I say so. Who's the doctor
here? Now scoot! Sire, you'll just have to wait for the new skin cells
to grow in.
(gomen minna. Tracy never did like Biology much, so the Bio's a bit
Shishihotohori: YOU CALL YOURSELF A DOCTOR?!?!
Megumitsukake: Sire, it's really nothing more than a little sunburn...
Shishihotohori: And let it mar my perfect complexion? NEVER! It's decided then! I will cover myself with bandages until it's healed completely! Uniformity is important in one's fashion statement!
Yumisoi (the emperor's private secretary): Uhmm... but sire... wouldn't that rather ruin your image?
Shishihotohori: All my future public appearances will not be longer than 15 minutes, so less people will be aware of this new image.
Yumisoi: Hai! I'll circulate a memo around the PR department!
Shishihotohori: Matte! Hold it! Summon Kenchiri!
A while later...
Kenchiri: You summoned for me, Your Highness de gozaru no da?
Shishihotohori: Ah yes! I have a suggestion that I think will benefit both you and me? You especially...
Kenchiri: Oro no da?
Shishihotohori: Do you see this? [pointing to the bandages]
Kenchiri: That's the only thing I can see...
Shishihotohori: I want you to change into me, the BEAUTIFUL me and take my place till this horrendous disease is cured!
Kenchiri: Sessha de gozaru no da?
Megumitsukake: It's only a sunburn...
Shishihotohori: Thunder! Lightning! Oh earth gape wide open and swallow me in! A pox on the fellow who did this to me! A thousand curses! The sun will never shine again! The moon hides her face in lonely sorrow for the passing of the MOST BEAUTIFUL human being alive... Tragic...it's a terrible tragedy... The heavens weep to hear of it!
Rurouni: I'm giving myself goosebumps...
Yumisoi: Yet he speaks as if the end of the world is upon us... It's his own fault, serves him right for trying to get a quick tan by standing in front of Sanosuki's tassen...
Kamariko: [bursting in] Shishihotohori-sama! Shishihotohori-sama! [Rurouni: Darn! I should have given him a shorter name...my fingers...] Shishihotohori-sama! I heard you hurt yourself. [stops and stares at the bandages] OH YOU POOR THING!!! I promise to look after you for the rest of my life and let nothing hurt you ever again. My poor Shishihotohori-sama!
Shishihotohori: AHEM!!! It's only a slight burn.
Megumitsukake: He finally gets the idea.
Shishihotohori: But still... [turns SD and wails] My beautiful face is ruined!!!
Kamariko: ~gulps~ Uhm..I'll just go and polish my scythe? [growls in a low voice] I'll get that no good fire wielding Sanosuki... it must have been him...always playing with fire...
[Tracy: Oh no... I guess I have to start on the fightings scenes...
lousy at those...]
Rurouni: Better you than me...hahahah! Aren't I the evil one...?
At another room in the palace...
Kamariko: (kicks door open) OK you good-for-nothin' Sanosuki! Come out and FIGHT!!
Sanosuki: What's your problem? Ouch, don't disturb me now, I'll burn myself again!
Kamariko: ...what *are* you doing?
Sanosuki: See for yourself. I'm barbecuing some fish. LEEEEKKKKAAAAAA.... SHIIIIEEEEEN!! Ouch! Gotta perfect my control of the flame...
Kamariko: ....you'll be sorry you fire-imp with your spiky hair and headband...
Hiei: HEY!! I thought I'm not in this script! And who're you calling a fire-*imp*!
Tracy: Not you, Hiei.... though the description fits anyway...
Hiei: (his Jagan glowing behind the headband)....
Tracy: ummmm... never mind... why don't you just go back to your vacationing and have a good time... and don't forget to get memoirs for us...
Kamariko: Take that! And that! and THAT! (Swings his scythe at Sanosuki, while Sanosuski keeps evading his blows and trying to save his fish as well.)
Sanosuki: Watch where you're swinging that thing! Itetetete! My these fish are *hot*! Care for some? What'd I do anyway?!
Kamariko: You dare forget your own sins? I'll pay you doubly for that! For playing with fire! For Lekka-Shiening Shishihotohori-sama! For forgetting what you did!
Sanosuki: Hey it's just a sun-burn! And what should I do, he said he *wanted* a nice sun-tan and he's the emperor isn't he! YEEAAAAAAGH!!
(Sanosuki loses his footing and falls with a splash into a pond!)
Sanosuki: Hey things are getting too far here! Get a hold on yourself you stupid scythe-wielding, dressing-up-like-a-female Kamariko!
Kamariko: Why're you still above water? You can't swim remember?
Sanosuki: I'm sick of this parody! It's bad enough having to wear all these jewellery! Necklaces! Rings! And yeargh, EARRINGS!
Tracy: Shut up and get on with the show, Sanosuki. Be thankful I didn't make you wear those false fangs.
Sanosuki: What do I care? All I know is that I'm being forced to dress up like a baka!
Tracy: OK then let's take off that 'Aku' kanji off your back and that head band so you look more like Tasuki...
Sanosuki: OK OK! I'll continue, I'll do it! Satisfied now?! (promptly sinks into the pond like a stone)
Kamariko: Hope you drown!!! Now... where're those fish he barbecued just now? I'll bring them back to Shishihotohori-sama as dessert...
Back at Shishihotohori's room...
Shishihotohori: No no no... the nose should be sharper, the eyes deeper...
Kenchiri: *sigh* Hai no da de gozaruyo... I'll try again. Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu - Chamaeleon Sen!
[Tracy: What sort of a spell/move is that?!]
Shishihotohori: No no no... don't smile that sweet Rurouni smile, you're the Emperor of Konan, you're not supposed to be *that* friendly...
Kenchiri: Uhmm... how's this then? (Reverts to Battousai mode, complete with Battousai glare)
Shishihotohori: *sweatdrop*... Nice... but save that for a war... And can't you do something with that bunch (bunch?!) of hair at your forehead?
Kenchiri: No choice... Tracy-dono used too much hair-gel...
Yumisoi: Sire... it's been 4 hours... why don't we... have a short coffee break...
Kamariko: Did I hear someone say coffee break? Here Shishihotohori-sama! I brought you some fish! One for you and one for you [Gives one to Shishihotohori and another to Kenchiri as Shishihotohori]...EH?!!! There are 2 of you?!!! Twins!
Kenchiri: No de gozaru no da! His highness wants me to hold the fort for him while he recuperates from his little sunburn.
Shishihotohori: ONCE AGAIN, IT'S NOT A LITTLE...
Kenchiri: Uhm...MAJOR life-threatening sunburn...
Shishihotohori: That's better.
Yumisoi: Uhm...who made this fish? Very tasty!
Kenchiri: That is my fish de gozaru no da!
Sanosuki burst in, dripping water over the carpets and causing extensive water damage...
Sanosuki: YOU! [He jabbed a tassen at Kamanuriko.] Scram out! Meet you at the back gate in 5 minutes, or you're a chicken!
Shishihotohori: Kenchiri, this is your room now, what must you do? Note it's 'cleanliness'.
Kenchiri: Uhm... DIE! EVIL COBWEBS!! DIE!!!
Shishihotohori: *sweatdrop* um... that wasn't exactly what I had in
Sanosuki: DO YOU HEAR ME OR NOT, meet me in 5 minutes you puny yaoi -
Kamariko: Hey that's FLAMING!!! NO FLAMING!!!
Sanosuki: Hey fire's my weapon, what else would I be doing if I'm not flaming?
Yumisoi: *sweatdrop* I don't think Kamatarinuriko meant 'flaming' as in that sense Sanosuki...
Kenchiri: Ano minna...
Shishihotohori: How many times must I remind you, you're the Emperor now! Act like one!! Before they ruin my nice luxurious gold-weaved carpet with all that food-scrap, water, flame and goodness knows what!
Kenchiri: Um Ok... For upsetting the peace and quiet and well-being of the Imperial Palace of Konan Country, you shall feel the Emperor's wrath! Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu - Amakakeryuu no Hirameki!! How's that Shishihotori-sama no da de gozaruyo?
Sanosuki & Kamariko: YEEAOW!
Shishihotohori: *Now* you're getting the hang of things! The swordplay's not too bad either! But of course, still incomparable to me. (strikes a trademark Hiko/Hotohori pose)
Miakaoru: (barges in) OK minna! I've got the Shinzaho, we can now summon our god even though we're one Seishi short... oh my, who's the mummy?
Megumitsukake: Shishihotohori-sama's suffering from a self-claimed major-life-threatening-sunburn.
Shishihotohori: So you finally admit that it's serious?
Megumitsukake: As a matter of fact I thought we've had enough of that debate... so I'll just save time by stating the inevitable outcome. *rolls her eyes*
Shishihotohori: Aaaargh! I can't go out like this... Kenchiri, do your stuff!
Kenchiri: Hai no da de gozaruyo! Finally! The hour has come! Soldiers, guard the palace well while we summon our god! Maids, prepare the Miko for the ritual bath! LET THE LIGHT IN THE TEMPLE OF WATSUKI BE LIT!
Yumisoi: Huh?! I thought that should be the Temple of Watase?
Megumitsukake: No no, I thought we're the Seishi of Watsuki all along.
Miakaoru: *grumbles* Watase or Watsuki, the only thing I know is that I never get to improve my cooking skills...
Sanosuki: What wat what wat?!?! And whatever happened to our fight and those 5 minutes Kamariko!
Kamanuriko: Get lost, creepzoid! I'm busy!
Sanosuki: ~splutters~ I'll roast you for that griveous insult y-you...take that! LEKKAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Kenchiri as Shishihotohori: [Battousai glare] How dare you bring your puny disputes before me! IN MY ROOM TOO!
Sanosuki: Cut it out, shorty before I beat the crap out of you too! Everyone knows you're not the real emperor!
Kenchiri as Shishihotohori pops back into Kenchiri.
Kenchiri: [sulks and pouts] That does it! I quit!!! I'm sick of being grandmother to a bunch of spoiled babies!!!
Shishihotohori: WHAT?!! You're saying I'm a grandmother!!! [controls anger] Please Kenchiri, try one more time. You're the emperor remember, you can do anything! Be fierce. Aggressive. Forceful!
Kenchiri: Really? Anything?
Shishihotohori: Yup. Anything.
Kenchiri as Shishihotohori: ENOUGH!!!
Everybody stares in awe.
Kamariko: Wow! KAKKOI!
Sanosuki: Damn! He's so cool when he's in his Battousai mode...but wait, why is he staring at me like that?!
Kenchiri: [pointing a katana at Sanosuki] You! Who were you calling a 'shorty' just now?
Kenchiri: Slap yourself a 100 times!
Kenchiri: You can always choose the second punishment...
Sanosuki: I CHOOSE THE SECOND!!!
Kenchiri: Very well. Go dress up as a female like you did in the Amazon Island for the entire ceremony at the Temple of Wat.
Sanosuki is struck dumb.
Yumisoi: Temple of what?!
Megumitsukake: Wat. That's what he said, 'Wat'.
Miakaoru: BAKAAA!!! Do you have any idea how long I've been standing here waiting for you to-
Rurouni: Yah yah, ok ok, so I forgot about you, no big deal.
Miakaoru: YOU WHAT ABOUT ME? FORGOT? I'll make sure you never forget...
Rurouni: Hey! I'm the writer! I get special privileges, if you don't behave I'll erase you from the story.
Sanosuki: PLEASE!!! Oh great esteemed writer! Spare me from my agony! Erase ME from the story. I don't want to wear those silly frilly dresses of Kamariko's. And...and these earrings!!! I swear my ears are going to fall off!
Kamariko: Hey! My dresses are NOT silly and frilly, they're a lot better than your tacky clothes!
Rurouni: I'm not the only writer involved in this parody you know...besides you're crucial to the comic relief element in this parody.
Sanosuki: PLEASE!!! Oh great esteemed writer! The most beautiful writer in all of fanficdom! The best! The greatest! The tensai of tensais. Tracy-sama, please spare me from my agony! I don't want to wear those silly frilly dresses of Kamariko's.
Tracy: [goosebumps all over] AAAARRGH!! Now look what you've done, you're
going to make me relapse into that cold I just recovered from!! And telling
all those LIES!!! That's it, go and wear the frilly dresses RIGHT NOW!
I like them anyway. And somebody, remember to do his hair and
makeup! And here's some more necklaces and rings!!
Sanosuki: [reduced to a stupor] What? What did I do to receive such cruel treatment...?
Kenchiri: Wat no Miko, you were supposed prepare for your bath.
Miakaoru: Oh yah, where's the toilet? I want hot and cold running water, a jacuzzi, Organics shampoo, Johnson's baby powder, Imperial Leather soap...
Kenchiri: Kamari- no you're a guy too... ah, Megumitsukake, please show our miko to the well...
Miakaoru: WELL?! A stinky well!
Shishihotohori: I assure you, my dear Miko that our well-water contains all the minerals necessary for vibrant and smooth skin and soft long beautiful hair growth. It contains water from the heavens...
Miakaoru: It's still a WELL!
Shishihotohori: Yes but it is the Well of Heavenly Water... the very pride of Konan Country...
Miakaoru: Underground-water is supposed to be clean, heavenly or not. Wells are for Kenchiri to do the laundry, not for me to bath. Whatever glamorous excuse you use, the facts remain! Now I want a proper BATHROOM!
Shishihotohori: Well if you're going to reason *that* way...
Kenchiri: Megumitsukake, maybe you should just douse her with the cool clear well-water, let her don the ritual-dress and we'll meet you in the Temple!
Megumitsukake: Got it. Come along now Miko. [She begins to drag a sputtering Miakaoru towards the door]
Taikawajikun: BAKA! BAKA BAKA BAKA!!! (remember Saitou's boss in the police force, the one accompanying Okubo?)
Minna: WAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! [everyone gets the fright of their life as Taikawajikun's big monstrous face appears out of thin air - WOAH!] (Tracy gets trashed for saying the wrong words...)
Sanosuki: Taikawajikun, *don't* do that! But fortunately for that ugly face, or I won't be awakened from my stupor - AAARGH! [slams into the wall]
Kamariko: You never learn, do you Sanosuki...
Kenchiri: What brings you here, Taikawajikun no da de gozaru?
Taikawajikun: BAKA NE! Hasn't it occur to *any* one of you that Wat musn't be disturbed?!
Yumisoi: [blink] Huh?! How's that?
Taikawajikun: Do you seriously want the progress of Rurouni Kenshin and Ayashi no Ceres be disrupted? Think, no more RK, no more ANC, waiting in suspense for the latest chapters to come out but all in vain while the Wat's are being summoned here...
Rurouni & Tracy: NO RK?! NO ANC?! NO NO NO! Ok guys, the ceremony's off. Canceled. Postponed indefinitely.
Shishihotohori: B-but I want Wat to heal my sun-burn!
Kamariko: And I want Sanosuki to be fried to a crisp by his own flames!
Miakaoru: And I want FOOD!!!
Tracy: Do you seriously want a bath in that well Miakaoru?
Miakaoru: OK minna! No summoning! Go back to your lives!
Sanosuki: Will do! Praise Wat, no dressing up as a female! Now Kamariko - OUTSIDE!
Kamariko swings his scythe around and accidently cuts Sanosuki into two.
Sanosuke and Tasuki: [bouncing up] How dare you try to cut me! I'LL KILL YOU!!!
Kamariko: Eh..byebye! [hides under bed]
Tasuki: [to Sanosuke] Hey! You've got my tassen and my earrings!
Sanosuke: Here! You can have your lousy earrings! I think my ears are going to touch the floor soon!
Tasuki: My tassen?
Sanosuke: I'll be keeping it! I want to roast that no good Saitou Hajime and wipe that infuriating smirk off his face!
Tasuki: I'll hold your fishbone hostage!
Sanosuke: Go ahead, I can always get another one.
Tasuki: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! GIVE IT BACK!!!
Sanosuke and Tasuki starts playing a game of catching.
Kenchiri: Show's over de gozaru no da?
Kenchiri pops into two!
Chichiri: Well, Kenshin, it's been great working with you but I have my series to go to and you have your naughty little brother-in-law to take in hand no da!
Kenshin: Yah, I have to rush back into my book and give him a good spanking! Sayonara de gozaru!
Chichiri: Sayonara no da!
Kenshin: Wait, before I go, is there anyway to stop my fringe from sticking out? Tracy-dono used too much gel I think...
Tracy: Um... a few thwacks on the head from Kaoru will bring it down I guess... Sorry about the gel...
Kenshin: Well Kaoru-dono delivers at least 5 thwacks a day on average, so I guess I won't have to wait for long.
Shishihotohori: Oh great! We can go back to our original forms?
Shishio: Much better. You were making a mockery out of me...
Hotohori: And you were making a mummy out of me! Oh good, my sunburn's gone! Nuriko, fetch me a mirror, I wish to examine my glorious self. Here, Makoto, take your stinky bandages!
Shishio: Talk some more and I'll BBQ you...
Nuriko pulls free from the Kamariko form. POP!
Nuriko: I'll get you the mirror right away! [runs off and flattens Sanosuke and Tasuki on the way out...]
Sanosuke: Wah! That woman's strong! Someone help peel me off the floor.
Kamatari: Shishio-sama! [hanging on his bandages] So good to see you again!
With a great splendour and marvelous grace, Yumi and Soi pops out!
Yumi: OK buzz off you scythe-wielding yaoi, Shishio-sama has eyes for me only! Shishio-sama, let's go back to that hot-water spring so that your burned skin heals better!
Soi: Emperor of Konan... Seiryuu will overcome Suzaku!
Hotohori: Yeah yeah, I've heard that one before. Talk about ungratefulness;
you think I'd allow any Seiryuu Seishi inside my palace if it weren't for
the writers insisting on it? Go on, scoot, get back to
Soi: Oh yes I forgot... Nakago-sama! I'm coming home!
...and Soi speeds back to Kutou country in record time.
Elsewhere, the other characters have already split into their respective roles.
Megumi: Whew! Thank heavens it ended! Tama, you should go on a diet! You're so heavy, my shoulder's aching like hell!
Tama: Meow! (Translated: You mean *you* should work out more so that you're stronger!)
Mitsukake: I must complement you, Takani-san, you are very skilled as a surgeon.
Megumi: Why thank you. You're not bad yourself as a pharmacist and psychic healer. Oh and did you know? The roots of somethinguma blearghullis can work wonders on a sword-wound if used together with the sap of marvella wonderillis.
Mistukake: Ah, no wonder I couldn't get the roots to work! I didn't know about the sap. And I've also discovered that...
As Megumi and Mitsukake continue with their medical conference...
Kaoru: I really do envy you and Tamahome, Miaka. *sigh* Now if only I had a business mind like Tamahome's, I won't have to worry about the dojo's fund.
Miaka: Hey, I can get Tamahome to teach you some money-making techiniques!
Kaoru: Wonderful! You can tell me all about it over lunch at Akabeko's!
Miaka: DID YOU SAY *LUNCH*?! Let's go let's go let's go! Where? Where? Where's the Akabeko!
Miaka goes insane as she drags Kaoru around the room searching the
Sanosuke: Yeaw NO Kaoru! She'll finish all the food Tae has in stock at the Akabeko! AARGH!
Miaka runs over Sanosuke in her insane glee...
Sanosuke: For the 2nd time of the day... somebody peel me off the
floor... Tasuki, how *do* you cope with such a Miko?
Tasuki: [peeling the thin slice of Sano off the floor] Don't ask me,
dunno how I manage to remain sane up till now...
Kawaji: OK QUIET DOWN YOU PEOPLE! Now you old hag, send us back to Tokyo
Taitsukun: Watch your language, young man. (Young?! OK, young as compared to Taitsukun.) Miaka, let go of Kaoru, they must go back now. And you two writers, don't do this again ya hear?! Trust *you* to get *me* to do all the transporting from one world to another...
Tracy: But great esteemed Taitsukun-sama, you're the only one powerful enough to handle such an enourmous task; we have full confidence in you, that's why we relied on you in the first place... please?
Taitsukun: Now there's a polite lass you don't often come across...
Rurouni: [whispers] Wow Tracy, you do know how to talk your way round.
Tracy: [whispers back] Hehe, I learn fast don't I? One slam into the
wall is quite enough for me...
Taitsukun: Ready everyone?
General havoc as everyone waves goodbye, shouts of 'Sayonara!' 'We'll be missing you!' echoing in the air... To get a clearer picture, picture the scene when the Titanic starts to leave the Southhampton port.
Taitsukun: OK, go back, bye bye, don't come disturbing me again! RETURN!