Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin characters belong to Nobuhiro Watsuki. Yuu Yuu Hakusho characters belong to Yoshihiro Togashi. This is purely for entertainment purposes, no profit is being made out of it. Do not distribute it in any form.

The Way Things Should Be...

A Yuu Yuu Hakusho and Rurouni Kenshin crossover
By Pan and Rurouni
July 1998

One fine day, Pan was searching the web for Karasu and Kurama (hey, who wouldn't?) when she stumbled into a guestbook homepage for Valentine's day with Karasu and Kurama talking with each other, wishing each other a VERY VERY *VERY* polite Happy Valentine's day...

Rurouni was informed and she went to check out the site as well... this conversation ensued after both our parody writers have read the dedications at the site...

Karasu should say, "Kurama, I love you so much I think I want to go over to your house to kill you right now..."

Then Kurama will say, "Oh no, Karasu, you can't. I don't think Koenma will let you out of the Reikai any sooner..."

Koenma will go, "Yup. It's my job."

Karasu: Just stamp once on this and everything will be done.

Koenma: You think I'm stupid or something?! (Stamps hard on the table in anger!)

Karasu: Yatta! It got stamped! Kurama my dear, I'll be over as soon as I can, wait for me, my pretty red-headed one...

Pan: Koenma can't be so stupid! *wails in defence of my favourite bishounen*

Koenma: Uh-oh... I have let you down, Kurama...

Kurama: ... never mind, just let me switch personalities with you for a week until Karasu's had his fun. And if Minamino Shuuichi hasn't been bombed into pieces by then, I'll take over...

Koenma: Of all the things I expect you to say, my dear Youko youkai...

Kurama: It's a deal then?

Koenma: Not even in your wildest dreams! Prepare yourself, Karasu just left my office. I'll send Botan to pick you up after Karasu's finished with you. Hmm...I think I'll send the Reikai Tantei to help her find the pieces. I'll prepare a really big welcome party for you here, I promise.

Kurama: [eyes flashing golden] Thanks a LOT!

Koenma: My pleasure. [hurriedly turns off the TV] Whew! That was too close!

Karasu: [in a sing-song voice] KO-EN-MA...

Koenma: Egad! What are you still doing here?!

Karasu: A slight change of plans, I like all beautiful things, not just my dear Kurama. Still you're here and in your ningen form...I might as well start with you and finish up with Kurama...

Koenma: Erm... *switches on the TV* Kurama? You still there? Hiei??

Hiei: Hn. The fox says he's going to visit Kenshin in Meiji and tells you to have fun with Karasu.

Karasu: Oh Koenma... lalalal...

Koenma: What??? How dare he use the time portal without my permission!

Hiei: Hn. *flits off*

Karasu: As I was saying, Koenma...

Koenma: AAAAAAAAAARGH! Stay away from me! Otousama! OTOUSAMA!!

Hiei: Your Otousama is busy at an emergency meeting remember?

Kurama: [pops into Koenma's office] Ja na Koenma! Karasu, take your time!

Koenma: [spluttering] Ku-ku-kurama?! I t-thought Hiei said...

Kurama: On my way!

Koenma: No one is allowed to use the time portal without my permission!

Kurama: I'm not using it, I'm testing it to see if it really works. Ciao!

Karasu: Don't take too long, itoshii...now where were we...oh yah...KO-EN-MAAA...

Koenma: DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Wait! Kurama! I'm coming with you!

Kurama: Huh? (turns around to see a baby jump on him)

Koenma: Now hurry up if you don't want to be bombed into pieces!

Karasu: (following behind) Oh Ko EEEEEEEEN maaaaaAAA! Ah, dear little Kurama is there too! Good... won't waste too much youki when I bomb both of you into pieces... oh my two Ks!

Koenma: HURRY UP!

Kurama: Get off my neck!

Koenma: I'm a baby! Where am I supposed to hang on to other than your neck?

Kurama: You could hang on to Hiei!

Koenma: And get chopped into pieces as a result?

Kurama: I could chop you into pieces as well you know...

Karasu: Oh hi, my two dears... *runs his finger through Kurama's hair* Now then...

Kurama: AAAARARRGH! *dashes off, opens time portal and jumps in*

Karasu: Silly little fox... *jumps in as well*

Hiei: ... Hn. I'll just go lookseelooksee how Karasu kills the fox. *jumps in*

Botan: Lalalala... oho! Koenma-sama left the time portal open! Better close it before Enma-sama comes back and gives him another spanking...

Meanwhile, in Meiji...

Kaoru: Would you look at that...

Sano: It's four birds...

Yahiko: It's four flying horse carriages...

Kenshin: It's...

*shouting grows louder. Minamino Shuuichi (with Koenma on his neck) crashes into Kenshin*

Kenshin: ... YEWOCH de gozaru!

Karasu: One tough ride...

Hiei: *standing on top of Sano's head* Hn.

Karasu: [grabs a bunch of red hair] Got you now my dear sweet Kurama... [grabs Koenma's red cape] ...uh-uh-uh...don't you try to escape, Enma Junior... once I've got my sights set on you...

Koenma and Kenshin: YEWOCH!!! [add a 'de gozaru' for Kenshin]

Karasu: Eh?

Koenma: Let go you sadistically carved youkai!

Kenshin: Orororororororo...

Meanwhile, Kurama reverts to a white fox and tries to run away...

Karasu: *steps on one of Kurama's tails* NO you don't. Now look at what we've got here... three bishounens...

Sano: What did the baby call that masked guy?

Yahiko: Youkai?

Sano: I thought youkais all looked ugly and stuff?

Karasu and Kurama: WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?

Hiei: *sword raised still standing on Sano's head* You were saying? Youkais looked WHAT?

Koenma: Now's the chance! *changes into 'ningen' and uses the extra strength to wrench free from Karasu's grip* Yeowch! That's my favourite red cape!

Kurama as fox yelps in pain and changes into Youko Kurama.

Youko: How DARE you step on my tail?!

Youko grabs Koenma and throws him at Karasu.

Youko: Here, you can keep the baby. Take good care of your charge. It's the baby's fault you're running free anyway.

Kenshin seizes upon the second while Karasu is catching Koenma and breaks free.

Kenshin: [rubbing his head] Ouch! It's payback time...

Kenshin changes into Battousai...

Karasu: (throws Koenma away MWHAHAHAAHA! ^_^x) I don't want the baby, now I want to fight in the name of a Ruling/Quest class demon...

Youko: You know, I am a Ruling/Quest class demon too...

Karasu: So what. Even as Youko, Kurama cannot defeat me.

Youko: OH YEH?

Battousai: Minna! I'm still here...  I'm unclassed.

Koenma: Hey! Why did you throw me away?! Am I not cute enough for you? I don't care what classes you belong to...none of you wimps can defeat me, both in looks [changes to ningen form] and in raw power[takes out his pacifier]. I'm the one and only son of the one and only Enma Daiou!

All RKers plus Youko, Karasu and Hiei flash him their evil eye...

Koenma: Oops...

Everyone: ...

Kaoru: Ma! Everybody, I've finished cooking lunch, let's eat!

Sanosuke: Ugh oh...

Yahiko: I... I have a date with Tsubame! BYE BYE!

Battousai: I er... I...

Kaoru: *holding her shinai* Are you eating or not??!!

Battousai: HAI! Kaoru-dono! Tabegozaimasu!

Youko: Hmm... I'm a little hungry too.

Karasu: Let's put our enmity aside for a few minutes.

Youko and Karasu: YEH! *walks into the dojo*

Youko: Koenma, are you coming or not?

Koenma: Me? *changes back into a baby* Okay!

Youko: Now that's a good baby... *carries Koenma*

Karasu: *rolls his eyes* Youkos.

TV screen at Koenma's office...

Koenma: ...buzz...any...buzz...can anybody...buzz buzz...hear me? BUZZ...George! Botan...buzz...poisoned! BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ!!! I repeat! WE'VE BEEN POISONED!...buzz buzz...DADDY HELP ME! MY TUMMY ACHES! buzz...Hiei, Youko and Karasu are down and out! S.O.S!! SOMEBODY, ANYBODY!!!!! HEEELLLPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!! ...buzz... beep beep...BEEEPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!! [There is nothing but buzzing snow on the screen.]

Kaoru: Oh dear... it looks like our youkai visitors don't have a tongue for our local delicacies...

Yahiko: Delicacies? I'd swear my socks tasted better...


Battousai: Look, the poor baby is choking! We'd better feed him milk...

Koenma: Mister! I am at least 672 years older than you are!

Hiei: Hn. Could've fooled us all.

Koenma: *glares* Well speaking of age...

Hiei: *re-glares* ... Yes?

Koenma: *stands up* YOU could have fooled US all.

Hiei: You have a problem with that?

Koenma: ... Actually no, because my stomach is topsy turvy right now.

Hiei: ...



Botan: *squeak*

George: *cries* Koenma-sama wa... Koenma-sama wa....

Enma: Koenma is late for work! I'm going to spank him when he comes back!

Botan: Please don't spank Koenma-sama... oh please don't spank him...

Enma: And why may *that* concern you?

Botan: Because... because... Koenma-sama is my boss, and besides that, he's a GREAT boss, although he may be a little domineering at times... *whispers* and he looks sooooooooo cute with that pacifier! ANYWAY! Enma-sama, I think Koenma-sama fell into the time portal...

Enma: ARGH! That's it! I'm going to go after him, get him back, tie him to his seat and never let him loose again!

Pan: Oh, I just love to think that Botan and Koenma are in LOOOOOVE... Don't mind me.

Sanosuke: What's with the 'Jr.'?

Karasu: Oh! He's the son of Enma Daiou, hence the Junior. Ko-enma...Little Enma...

Sanosuke spits all his rice out at Yahiko [payback time...see RK Tsubame episode].

Kaoru: Oh dear! What a waste of my hard work...all that delicious rice...wasted...

All present: ...~sweatdrop~...

Hiei: Hn. You sure picked a fine opportunity to spit this garbage out. [Hiei stares disgusted at the rice before him.]

SD Kaoru: [aka a hyperactive volcano about to erupt] WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

SD Kenshin: Maa maa...

Hiei: Hn. Even Mukuro cooks better than you!

Mukuro: What do you mean by 'EVEN'? Hmmm?

SD Hiei: Eeps! When did she get here?!

Mukuro: *pulls Hiei by the ear* As the person who once conferred you heir status and as the one who is supposed to be training with you right now, I am hereby declaring my utmost FURY!

SD Hiei: Eeps! Kurama! Karasu! Help me!

Kurama: Hmmm... do we know him?

Karasu: Absolutely not.

Hiei: Omae tachi ga... ! (All of you... !)

Kaoru: Oh, but sir!

Mukuro: *facefaults*

Kaoru: Won't you stay and have a meal with us? Since you're here already...

Battousai: Erm, Kaoru-dono... let *me* cook for our guests, de gozaru ka?

Sano and Yahiko: WE APPROVE! *waving hands wildly around*

Mukuro: Called me 'sir'??

Hiei: Ugh oh...

Kaoru: Yup. It is only polite to address people this way where we come from. I'm not too sure if you're used to such polite customs but never mind anyway, do join us for dinner.

Yahiko: Yeah! Especially since Kenshin's cooking this time.

Kurama: I think my tummy is still recovering from the previous assault it got. [eyes Kaoru] I almost
depleted my youki trying to heal myself after all that food.

Karasu: Me too.

Sanosuke: Trust me. You don't want to miss Kenshin's cooking.

Koenma: Just give me a bottle of warm milk. That'll do. Thank you very much.

Kenshin: Are you joining us for dinner, Mukuro-dono?

Mukuro: I-I...I'm not a 'sir'.

Kenshin: I know that. [smiles]

Mukuro: I like you, I think I'll take you up as my heir instead.

Kenshin: Oro?

Hiei: WHAT ABOUT ME?! [aside] Oh goody...my liberty is at hand.

Mukuro: Hmm... I'll make you my second heir! Since humans have shorter lifespans than youkais, you'll still be my heir after he dies.

Kenshin: ORO?

Hiei: *argh* I... I... I don't want to be your heir! You can take the banana red-head instead!

Kurama: Banana... RED HEAD? *starts to flare with much unwanted youki*

Karasu: Hooboy... come, ladies and children, and teenagers with spikey hair, this way if you don't want to get hurt...

Kenshin: What heir? What hair? I mean... WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT??

(Mukuro, Hiei and Kurama looks ready to get into a fight)

Kurama: Wait a minute. Why am *I* involved in this. I'm not Mukuro's heir. Hm.

Yomi: That's right.

Kurama: *shrieks* WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE???

Yomi: Oh nothing. I was missing my old boss, so I came to have a look at where he is. Enma sent me, actually, when I wandered into the Reikai looking for you. *eyes Koenma with his closed eyes* Apparently, his *son* is going to be in real big trouble when he gets back...

Koenma: *sucks blissfully on the bottle of milk, oblivious to all*

Karasu: Oho, you must be Kurama's friend.

Yomi: An 'Old Friend', actually.

Kurama: ... if that was any indication that this thousand year old fox is old and useless... FINE! I QUIT! Not your second in command anymore... here, Karasu, you can take over. I'm sure a bird would do as fine as a mammal.

Kenshin: You guys... if you don't tell me what's going on right this very moment... I'm going to... I'm going to... turn... batt...

(Kenshin stops, imagines a ghostly Tomoe holding his ear)

Ghostly Tomoe: Turn what? Turn what?

SD Kenshin: *squeaks* Nothing! NOTHING NOTHING!

All youkais: *stares*

Koenma: [stops sucking at his milk bottle when he has finally emptied it's contents] You! [pointing at Tomoe] I didn't see you in Reikai. You haven't reported?

Tomoe: [to Kenshin] Dear, who's baby is that?

Kenshin: [pointing to Kurama and Karasu] Theirs.

Rurouni: Kurama/Karasu/Koenma...sounds familiar?

Pan: Why did you have to get MY fic (and of all the YYH fics I wrote, THAT particular one??) involved in this...?

Rurouni: Because it's a great fic! Then again, ANY fic by the great PAN is great!

Kurama & Karasu: ~splutters~ Hey!

Karasu: I'll disintegrate you for that! You puny writer! I don't even like Kurama in the first place! His ningen form is too short, his youko form is too tall!

Kurama: Well, the feeling's mutual Blackie!

Karasu: Why you lousy no-good rose-whipping, plant-mutating, hair-bleaching mammal!

Kurama: Speak for yourself you lousy no-good, bomb-blasting, bomb-mutating, hair-bleaching bird!

Pan: When I say you like Kurama, Karasu, I mean you have to ACT like you do, because I know you don't.  Do I need to whip you back into role?

Karasu: ~!@#$%^&*!!!!! Oh Kurama... I love your shiny red/silver hair, your bright green/golden
eyes... the scent of you make me want to puke...

Rurouni: CUT!!! Karasu, one more time you get your lines wrong...

Karasu: [mutters darkly] I'll get you for this... lousy writers...

Yomi: Hmm...I like the smell of your perfume... Tomoe? Kurama, you should try using it sometimes.

Kurama: Bleah!

Yomi: It's not so bad. At least white plums smell better than roses.

Kurama: ... I *DO NOT*, smell of roses.

Koenma: *embarks on a sniffing campaign*

Kurama: GET OFF ME! What're you trying to do?

Koenma: *continues his sniffing campaign*

Kaoru: This is getting confusing. Not to mention, my dojo is looking alittle to forlorn for all these powerful looking people...

Koenma: AHA! I have decided!

Karasu: *grumbling* What.

Koenma: Kurama does NOT smell of roses. At least, only his hair does.

Kurama: Why you no good, small, short, fat, in desperate need of a good spanking Reikai... BABY!

Koenma: I'm not fat! I'm just plump and overfed!

Kenshin: Oh dear, did I give you too much milk?

Tomoe: Now what did I teach you about feeding babies? Have you forgotten it all so fast after my death?

Kenshin: ...

Hiei: *I seem to have been forgotten. Good. Time to take my leave.*

Mukuro: And where do you think YOU'RE going?

Hiei: Home.

Rurouni: One more time that little black guy mispronounces his lines...

Pan: Calm calm... they're not the primary school students you teach you know...

Rurouni: WAH! Do you really have to announce this to the world?!

Hiei: Who's the little black guy? Karasu isn't very little you know... neither is Yomi...

Pan: You are, and I'm not afraid of getting smothered into black pulp by that.

Hiei: Fine, you shall be. GUYS! How does Toasted Bread sound?

Kurama: Just DELICIOUS.

Rurouni: One piece please.

Soujirou: Why not continue the scene in a part two? Like this, we'll all get to have a break.

Shishio: Not forgetting, at this rate, we'll never be able to make our grand entrance.

Yuusuke: That's right! I'm having pins and needles waiting for them to finish up...

Rurouni: Eh? Since when did these people appear?

Pan: Since I say so.

Rurouni: They're the extras? The 'I'm being sent here only to get killed bunch'?

Pan: ~sweatdrops~

Soujirou: Ahahaha... more like I'm being sent here so others will get killed...

Yuusuke: Does that lowly writer want a dose of my REI-GAN?

Shishio: How about a BBQ?

Rurouni: ~gulps~

Soujirou: I doubt BBQed writers will be tasty.

Yuusuke and Shishio: True.

Rurouni: Whew!

Yuusuke: Hey! Hurry up with the stupid story, ok? Ants are crawling up my pants...

Kenshin: My sentiments exactly de gozaru.

Sano: I think the RK troupe was given too little lines.

Yahiko: Yeh... the writers are soooooo bias...

Pan: This is what happens when the writers get too engrossed with cross-writing.

Rurouni: And cross-refering fics.

Pan: *grumbles*

Koenma: I have to go before my dad really spanks me.

Botan: SURE!

Koenma: EEEPS!!!

Kurama: GOOD GOOD! Take me along. The sooner I leave this film set the better. Even if it's taking Botan's Oar Express in a stomach churning, intestine rumbling, internal organs rearranging trip to the Reikai.

Koenma: Now that you've reminded me, I need to get some sickness pills...

Kurama: Good. *puffs into a kitsune* Come, let's go.

(Koenma and Kurama makes their grand exit)

Kaoru: Next time you need to film something, get another dojo. And... at least you should've warned me that there were two S-class youkais dropping in as well. The presence of their shadows is enough to crack my land...

Rurouni: I didn't employ them. They just dropped in like that.

Pan: That's what, generally, messed up our part one.

Yomi and Mukuro: What? You mean we won't be paid?!

Pan: You weren't employed...

Rurouni: But we can always give you a little token for your eager participation as our guest actor/actress... [gives them each a wall scroll]

Mukuro: Hey! It's a poster of me! Don't I look cool?

Hiei: Like ice.

Mukuro: I thought you were going home?

Hiei: I did. But I had no keys.

Soujirou: Wow! I think that guy's warp-speed is better than mine.

Pan: CUT!!! Soujirou, where in the whole of the script did you get those lines?

Soujirou: Oops.

Rurouni: Ah, leave him alone, he looks so cute, plus it fits the script.

Pan: Alright alright! The rest of you, what are you waiting for?

Rurouni: Money to fall from the sky?

Pan: Continue! Action!

Yomi: What in the whole of Makai am I going to do with a wall scroll of Mukuro?

Rurouni: Oops, I forgot he couldn't see.

Pan: Actually it's a wall scroll of yourself, Yomi-sama.

Yomi: Me?

Rurouni: Yup, you! You can hang it up in your great hall and get everyone to worship it.

Yomi: Why should they worship a wall scroll when they can worship the real thing? Never mind, I'll give it to my son. Hang it up in his room so he won't feel scared at night, looking at me... I mean, a picture of me... I have to go get my second-in-command. See you around! [Yomi makes his grand exit.]

Rurouni: His son will probably use it as a dart-throwing board...

Pan: Shhh...he might hear you and return. He has hyper-sensitive hearing remember?

Yomi: What was that you were saying?

Rurouni: Eeps! He returned.

Pan: We were just wondering if your son would prefer a dart-board.

Yomi: No, thank you, this will suffice. [Yomi makes his grand exit again. This time for real.]

Yuusuke: They sure are taking a long time to get rid of everybody, all that just to get rid of one S-class youkai?

Shishio: You are the *patient* one, aren't you? Don't forget, these aren't professional writers, they're just pathetic wannabes.

Yuusuke: Why did I agree to work for them? They'll ruin my image.

Sanosuke: They still refuse to let us say anything!!!

Kaoru: [whacks Sanosuke's head with a shinai] Quit whining and say your lines! You're next!

Sanosuke: Oh really? Ahem. [flips script] Hey! Let's go to the Akabaka Restaurant for a free meal!

Yahiko: Sanosuke no BAKA, you got the name wrong!!!

Sanosuke: Craps. Just get on with it, will you?

Yahiko: Ok... What? Eat again? We just had dinner!

Sanosuke: Kaoru's food cannot be classified as dinner.

Kaoru: What did you say?!!!

Yahiko: True...I puked out my guts after eating Kaoru's food, my tummy's feeling kinda hungry... Hey, didn't Kenshin say he was cooking?

Sanosuke: He's busy at the moment...

Yahiko: Yeah, must be really difficult to exorcise the ghost of a jealous wife.

Kenshin: Who says I'm trying to exorcise her?

Tomoe: Who says I'm jealous? I have no reason to be, I know the one person that Kenshin really truly sincerely genuinely extremely eternally...

Sanosuke: Just get on with it.

Tomoe: [spears Sanosuke with her icy glare] ...loves... is me.

Yahiko: ~sniff~ What a tear-jerker! Encore encore!

Kaoru: [whacks Yahiko's head with her shinai so hard it breaks into half] Encore my foot!

Sanosuke: Better than your food anyway.

Kaoru: [whacks Sanosuke's head with her bokken so hard it breaks into half] Get lost free-loader!

[Pause for writer to catch breath.]

Pan: Ok, someone please haul the 2 unconscious RKers off the set.

Kaoru: Oops, I didn't mean to hit them so hard... I'd better go and see how they're doing.
[Sanosuke, Yahiko and Kaoru makes their not-so-grand exit.]

Hiei: How long are you going to stare at that picture? Can we go now?

Mukuro: [still in a bit of a daze] Oh yes... I never realised how beautiful I looked.

Hiei: ARGH! Maybe I'lll just go and sleep in Kurama's room...

Mukuro: What?! You come home with me right this very minute! [Mukuro drags Hiei away by his ear.]

Hiei's howling fades. Cut to Kenshin hugging Tomoe.

Yuusuke: Just skip that mushy scene! How can a human hug a ghost?!

Battousai: QUIET!

Yuusuke: Wow! Simmer down, we're cool, ok?

Soujirou laughs. Battle ki is constantly rising...

Tomoe: [putting a hand on Kenshin's shoulder] Dear, don't get so upset with mere children.

Yuusuke: ~splutters~

Kenshin: [switches back from battousai mode to rurouni mode] Ok.

Tomoe: I have to go and report to the Reikai now.

Kenshin: [takes her hand] I'll go with you, and make sure that baby doesn't bully you.

Yuusuke: Yes, yes, quick go! Then it'll be my big scene...

Tomoe: [to Kenshin] You can't, unless you're dead.

Kenshin: Then wait for me! Where's my daisho... [runs off to find his daisho, Tomoe following to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid]

Yuusuke: Yoshi! My turn! Ahem...

Rurouni: Uhm... the producers have decided that this is waayyy too long, they want to end it here.

Yuusuke and Shishio: NANI?!!!

Soujirou: Ahahaha...

Shishio: You mean to say you make me wait for nothing? [drags his sword across the ground and starts up a BBQ fire]

Pan: Peace!

Yuuske: REI-GAN!!!

Soujirou laughs on as the 2 writers get toasted, grilled, boiled, BBQed, steamed, stewed, roasted, baked, fried and rei-ganed...

Curtains close.

Karasu: Hmm, they seem to have forgotten about me completely... now which red-head should I go after? The samurai-boy? Or my lovely fox?

Kurama: [yells from backstage] I AM NOT YOUR FOX!!!

Kenshin: [calls from backstage] And I am not a boy de gozaru yo! I'm 28.

Karasu: Ah...so young, so pretty... ohoho... this is going to be fun...

The End.